Exhuming Your Loved Ones: Family Views

This year Qing Ming Festival/Tomb Sweeping fell on the 4^th April 2024. It saddens me that yet again, I have not been able to pay my respects to my dad and my grandparents on this festival. There are a couple of reasons for this: my family are in Singapore so it takes some preparation to plan a long haul trip from Britain. Also, it is not easy to fly over due to school term and travel costs.

Nevertheless, it had me thinking about exhumation and cremation. I did not have a chance to see my dad when he suddenly passed away from a heart attack. I was 34 weeks pregnant with my son and it was not safe for me to fly. Also, no airline would take a heavily pregnant woman on a 14-hour flight. So I missed his funeral and cremation and don’t have any first-hand knowledge of what people do for cremations.

However, my uncle and friends have shared their experiences with me. Today, I am sharing my uncle and my relatives’ journey to exhume my grandfather. This only covers Chinese Buddhism but not other religions.

In land-starved Singapore, many of the Chinese Singaporeans would choose to cremate immediately rather than have a burial due to many reasons. Firstly, it is far more expensive for a traditional burial than a cremation.

Secondly, burial does not mean forever these days in Singapore. In 1998, the Singapore government launched a New Burial Policy where burial means a lease of 15 years. After 15 years of burial, the remains of every deceased will be exhumed and reburied or cremated. My grandfather passed away in 1989 before the new policy commenced and my grandmother passed away in March 2013. My uncle decided to exhume my grandfather to place his ashes next to my grandmother’s slot located at Toa Payoh Seu Teck Sean Tong. It is more convenient for their children and younger generations to continue the tomb sweeping tradition.

Thirdly, it is less burdensome for the family to carry on the Chinese traditions (tomb sweeping and the Chinese Hungry Ghost festival). My aunty who passed away in June 2020 chose to have a sea burial. She did not want to be a burden to her husband and only daughter.

My grandfather’s grave occupied a smaller footprint than graves constructed before the 1980s at the Choa Chu Kang Chinese Cemetery. I have written a post on a traditional Chinese grave if you are interested in reading on. He was buried in a beautiful, high-quality casket with a small viewing door. He was exhumed after 24 years.

Before my grandfather was allowed to be exhumed for cremation, my uncle had to apply for an exhumation permit (application for exhumation and cremation) from the National Environment Agency (NEA) for permission. The NEA have a list of approved contractors to choose from for the exhumation and cremation process. Once the relatives have arranged it with the approved contractors, the NEA would then issue the letter on the collection of cremated remains to the relatives.

Once they have the exhumation date, the contractor will take the tombstone apart. Experienced grave diggers will know where to dig as coffins/caskets may have shifted after years of being deep in the soil and when to slow down to not damage it. This is especially important for poor-quality coffins, which could have rotted away and the body could be in a different position to the tombstone. I remember once my mother told me that they could not find my paternal grandfather’s coffin or bones (maybe a small part). He passed away in the 1960s and they were very poor at the time so couldn’t afford an expensive coffin. He was exhumed more than 50 plus years later and there was nothing much left to be found.

Coming back to the exhumation journey, once they found the casket, they lifted the casket on top of his tombstone site. The candles were put on the casket by the contractors. My uncle believes that it is a sign of respect for the dead person and to “alert” the soul that they will open the casket soon.

To my knowledge, I know that burning candles and incense were the tools to connect with the dead. If you have watched enough ghost movies, you may have noticed white candles are always the tools to connect with the dead. Like the use of an Ouija board, you will need to light up candles or incense in the room to connect with them. Or place a lighting candle in front of the mirror, at midnight, you face the mirror and peel an apple. You would then see your future partner in the mirror. Whether you believe it or not, it is best not to try these!

Back to my grandfather, according to the priest, the contractors can exhume the body just after midnight and must finish before sunrise. Close relatives would have set up the incense and candles to pray for blessings and had a Buddhist service before exhumation.

Once the prayer was completed, the contractors opened up the casket. They would then collect the deceased’s head and put all his bones into a pail. They would discard any rotten flesh away by peeling it off the bones. Rotten flesh is not good for cremation as it would take too long to burn.

My grandfather was embalmed before burial, hence some parts of his body had not rotten away and were still rock hard. His internal parts, like intestines, were wrapped in a plastic bag and were still intact. As you know, most plastics in use today are made of polyethylene terephthalate (PET), and is nearly impossible to decompose! I still remember him laying on the makeshift bed in his living room and the workers draining his remaining bodily fluids into a big white container and replaced with formalin. He still had his hair, eyebrows and face intact when the contractor lifted out his head. According to the contractor, the dead’s eyes and mouth are glued shut, hence you should not see a body with their eyes opened. However, my grandfather’s mouth was wide open as there were no bones to hold on.

This begs another question! Many Chinese people believe that if the dead are very well preserved, it is not great for their offspring. They believe the feng shui around the land that they are buried in is too yin (called 养身地). You can listen to Mr Zhou’s Ghost Stories on this on 4th June 2021 podcast).  Nevertheless, in Singapore, due to its hot weather (roughly 30 degrees daily), many corpses were preserved with a lot of formalin as their caskets/coffins were on display for days (3, 5 or 7 days for Chinese Buddhism/Taoism) before the funeral. Bear in mind that my dad was laid to rest for five days at the void deck (common area under our flat) without any air con.

Once the contractors cleared any remains in the casket/coffin, they would clean the remains (head and bones) with clear liquor provided by the family/relatives. This is to help the deceased look clean before the cremation. The contractors would then bring the cleaned remains to the columbarium for cremation. The family would later pick up the ash that was packed in red cloth from the columbarium and bring it to the temple for the final journey. I will share this in the next post showing you what they would do before placing the fragments into the urn and completing the journey.

All this exhumation happened soon after midnight and was completed before sunrise. My uncle videoed most of my grandfather’s exhumation and shared the videos with me. I do find the videos very educational, especially as the contractor explained to my relatives what he was doing. My children were not keen to watch the videos as they asked why would they want to watch my grandfather being unboxed. This is how the new generation thinks – exhuming has become unboxing!

Before reaching home, it is a Chinese tradition for people to rinse their face and hands with flower water or water steeped with pomelo leaves to clean off any bad luck. Some might shower with flower water when they reach home too.

Due to some Chinese superstitions, my mum did not attend the whole exhumation and cremation. My twin nephews had just been born and my sister was still in her confinement period. So she had to look after them and it would have been bad luck for her to attend.

Would you prefer a burial or cremation? What do you think of exhumation? I think being a grave digger is not for everyone. This job requires a lot of courage and bravery. Also, you need to be strong and healthy for this job. Kudos to them as it is not an easy job at all.